I like old men. I’ve known many of them. I hope to be an old man one day.
But there’s something about golf courses, particularly country clubs, that turn old men into grumpy and irritable curmudgeons. Yeah, I just threw down “curmudgeon” on a golf blog.
The Grumpy Old Man hates you. (Image: MissLPS/Flickr)
Surely you’ve seen The Grumpy Old Man on your local course. He usually travels in packs—a foursome with other grumpy old men—and plays early in the morning.
He uses colored balls and normally has a long towel hanging out of his back pocket. Children speak in hushed whispers when he shuffles past them.
The only time you’ve seen him smile was after he scolded your eight-year-old son for running in the parking lot. If you’re a member of a country club, your least favorite grumpy old man probably has a member number somewhere between 1 and 50.
But if there’s one thing you need to know about The Grumpy Old Man, it’s this: He hates you. He really, really hates you. But don’t feel bad; The Grumpy Old Man hates everyone other than the three grumpy old men in his foursome.
You see, he remembers when only 100 people played his course. He was playing golf on your course when Old Tom Morris was traversing across St. Andrews and goats kept the grass short. To him, you are an outsider who has infected his club with Miller Lites and loud children.
If you dare encroach upon The Grumpy Old Man’s regular foursome, don’t expect to get waved through. He will slow down just to spite you. Sure, he always walks slowly. But if you hit a ball within 50 yards of his group, he will show you how slowly he really can walk. You just watch.
The Grumpy Old Man is also a lousy tipper. Having worked as a cart guy at the course at which I used to play, take it from me. The Grumpy Old man doesn’t tip at all—even if you make his clubs so shiny that he can see his own grizzled reflection in them.
If you complain about The Grumpy Old Man, don’t expect your club pro or general manager to do anything. He hates them, too.
But, after all, he’s member number 7—and in the world of country clubs and golfing establishments, that’s akin to being a signer of the Declaration of Independence. Are you going to tell Alexander Hamilton to take a hike?
So I leave you with this fair warning, fellow golfers: Heed these lessons from The Grumpy Old Man lest you become a grumpy old man yourself.
Previous Golf Pet Peeves:
#15: The Overzealous Rules Enforcer
#12: The Wannabe Golf Instructor
#8: The Intrusive Golf Course Maintenance Worker
#4: Stewart Cink’s Green Shirt
#1: The Shot-By-Shot Recap Golfer
June 3, 2010 at 5:45 pm
I spent nine summers working at a country club full of these guys. What I want to be when I grow up is the COOL old guy. The one with his own private cart (always throwing the cart guys tips when they pull it out of the barn), telling filthy jokes and able to shoot my age.
We had a guy like that. He was a prince. Always fantastic to the kids working at the course, a hell of a player in his day and shooting his age until he died.
June 3, 2010 at 6:16 pm
In high school I worked in the pro shop at a golf course. Most of the old guys were cool but there was one group of grumpy old men that played every tuesday & thursday.
For fun I did a little starter board shuffle one day and sent 2 groups of little old ladies out right before their tee time.
It took them well over three hours to play the front nine. At the turn they came in and called me every name in the book. I thought I was going to pass out from laughing so hard while they were cursing me out.
June 3, 2010 at 6:28 pm
Funny stories guys, Good to know the grumpy old man experience wasn’t unique to me.
June 4, 2010 at 7:39 am
Oh yes. I remember the days Rob.
Bojangles run, gravy and biscuits- somehow we forgot to pull Mr. Cochran’s cement laden golf bag from the bagroom.
“When you get through with your breakfast, will you get my clubs please!”
Or maybe it was the curteous reminder from the GM: “Can you tuck in your shirttail please sir, I’d ‘preciate it.”
But then again there was Mr. Wheeler, who had the crispest dollar bills in town.
Such memories!
June 4, 2010 at 12:12 pm
Yes, Mr. Cochran was my inspiration–my muse, if you will–for this article. What an unpleasant man, only surpassed by the unpleasantness of his bride.
June 4, 2010 at 4:44 pm
You insolent little whipper snappers!! If you had 5% of the talent that my group had when we were younger, you would think you were pros. Yes sir, we could really play. Then the game got too easy with those steel shafts, cast irons and over-sized driver heads. When Ben Hogan and I…you DO know who Ben Hogan was, right? Where was I? Oh right, playing with Ben Hogan. When Ben and I used to play, I gave him 2 shots a side and still beat his ass.
If you juveniles are in such a hurry to finish 18 holes, go join that club down the road. When your group has members 3,5, 12 and 17 (we call 17 “Junior”), maybe you will appreciate the experience of 5 and 1/2 hour rounds. Hell, I am just excited to wake up every morning and I want to savor every hour I can on the course.
June 4, 2010 at 5:56 pm
I am glad you still like to play with your 70 year old dad. Just because I am old and even though I never played with Ben Hogan I can still smile and laugh at myself. I am thankful that young whipper snappers like you are in love with the great game.
June 6, 2010 at 12:12 am
I love this series of posts. I know the type. I’ve had many run-ins with these guys(and sometimes gals). One day I had a round with one of these “grumpy old men”. I went out by myself and was paired up with Frank. The first few holes were very quiet, and I thought I was in for the round from hell. Then I noticed a pin on his bag that said Rhode Island. I live in S. Florida now but I grew up in Rhode Island. Once we had a connection, the rest of the round was quite enjoyable.
We talked about vacations on Block Island. Del’s Lemonade(If you ever go to R.I. during the summer you must try it). We argued about baseball. He’s a Red Sox fan and I’m a Mets fan. Every time he hit a bad shot, I would mutter, “Buckner” underneath my breath.
We have played a few times since. When we first met I was just hoping the round would go by quickly. Instead I made a good friend.
June 19, 2010 at 12:18 pm
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January 30, 2012 at 10:15 am
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[...]Golf Pet Peeve #16: The Grumpy Old Man « Game Under Repair by Robert Bruce[...]…
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