*Please excuse the ugliness of this post. I’m still trying to figure out how to make pictures and words work together. I’m a writer, not a graphic designer.

Okay. I’m not much of a marketer. In fact, this blog thing has always made me uncomfortable to an extent. Really, why do you care about my golf swing and my opinion of Colin Montgomerie? And why post it on the internet for the world to see? Though I’m apprehensive, and though it seems a bit self-aggrandizing and narcissistic, the writer in me loves to write, and this forum is perfect. So why not get others involved.

With that said, many of you on my initial contact list–my lame “marketing” efforts, if you will–are non-golfers. From the casual, three times a year golfer, to the complete non-golfer, you’ve never touched a club except at a miniature putt-putt course. The closest you’ve ever came to golf was watching Caddyshack. Well, this post if for you, my friend.

Come join me. You see, you’re missing out. This is my attempt to get you involved, to join in on this majestical game we call golf. Am I overdoing it yet? Anyway, check this out. Here are some reasons you should play golf:

— It’s all the rage these days to be an American with “European tastes.” So don’t choose soccer, choose golf…a pleasant little sport born in Scotland . Come join the avante-gard of the avante-gard.

— Impress your friends with golf lingo. Do these golf terms mean anything to you? Scrambled Egg. Texas Wedge. Hardpan. Cabbage. Wormburner. Albatross. Snowman. Double hockeysticks. Dance floor. Three-jack. For instance, imagine entering a party and impressing all your coworkers with the following phrase, making use of the above lingo: “So, Ralph, I ended up taking a snowman on nine after the scrambled egg in the sand. Yeah, I skulled the ball over the green and it bounced off the hardpan into some cabbage. After the wormburner, I hit a Texas Wedge up on to the dance floor and three-jacked. So, no doubt, I still ended up with double hockeysticks after the sweet albatross on six.”

— You can be a film critic, too. We all know Kevin Costner is a horrific actor, but Tin Cup will annoy you even more once you watch the film through a “golfer’s eye.” Even Phil Mickelson isn’t as stupid as Roy McAvoy.

— It’s a multicultural movement! Sure, there’s plenty of backwards, racist old farts at country clubs across the nation. But they’ll die soon. Embrace diversity and play golf! Whether you are playing at Pebble Beach or Royal Thimphu in the remote country of Bhutan, you are playing a global sport to which billions throughout history can relate.

— Even if you’ve never swung a club once, I promise that you won’t be as bad a golfer as this guy. Meet Angelo Spagnolo, the worst golfer in the world. Angelo took a 66 on the 17th at Sawgrass. You could beat him.
— Sweet pants.
— To my male readership: Make your wife happy. She doesn’t want your son to play football…”it’s too violent.” Baseball? 13-year-olds can throw the ball 90 mph these days. What if little Tommy gets hit in the head? And basketball, seriously? Look at yourself…do you think your son will be 6’8”? Golf is peaceful, compatible with short people, and non-violent. Your wife will love you. Plus, as an added bonus, Tiger will be on the Senior Tour in 18 years, just as little Tommy turns pro.
– Once you get a little more knowledgable about golf, you will join me in appreciating the pureness of Corey Pavin. What Corey lacks in stature, he makes up for in heart. Who else among you will have the gonads to hit a 4-wood from 200 yards out on the final hole of a major championship? It’s ashame he shaved the stache. I think therein lied his golf superpowers.

So what are you waiting for? Join me in celebrating this grandiose spectacle of a sport we call golf. And read my blog, too!