How do I explain the Golf Channel Guy?
Perhaps there’s a better name for this character—such as “wanna-be”—but I’ll do my best to tell you about this peculiar fellow.
The Golf Channel Guy watches a lot of The Golf Channel. Consequently, he’s picked up the mannerisms, fashion sensibilities, and general external qualities of the professional golfers who often appear on said Golf Channel.
Problem is, the Golf Channel Guy is a mediocre golfer at best. Most of the nation’s reported Golf Channel Guys have handicaps in the 15-18 range. He may look and sound the part, but that topped 7 iron and bladed wedge tell you otherwise.
If you’ve played golf long enough, you can smell the Golf Channel Guy from a mile away. He talks a big game. Braggadocio is his thing. After all, with those pleated khakis and svelte Nike shirt, who wouldn’t believe this guy is a scratch golfer?
The Golf Channel Guy is closely related to The Mulligan Golfer and the as-yet-unexplained—and future pet peeve article—Distance Exaggerator. All three fellows are quite concerned with image upkeep on the golf course.
To help you spot The Golf Channel Guy at your local course, I’ve compiled a list of The Golf Channel Guy’s characteristics.
- Carries a pro-style bag.
- Applied for Big Break on multiple occasions.
- Wears pleated khaki pants on the golf course in August.
- Reads every putt from six angles.
- Treats every par as if he just made a birdie.
- Enjoys reverse sandbagging–in actuality, that 15 is probably a 20. See The Mulligan Golfer.
- Offers on-course instruction without prompting.
- During practice swings, he stops mid-swing to check his plane. Though he’s off plane by a foot, he seems pleased.
They try so hard. They try too hard. They are golfers in the midst of an identity crisis. Lord bless the Golf Channel Guys.
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